Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
