it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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