Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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