We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
