just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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