I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
