Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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