2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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