Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
