this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
