He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
