I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
