So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
