Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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