Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
