If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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