Ambien. No doubt about it.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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