I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
