This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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