I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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