cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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