I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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