ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
