I CAN MOONWALK!
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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