ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
