so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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