OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
