none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
