Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
