I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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