I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
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My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
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He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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