so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
