I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
