Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
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My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
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I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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