You're so nebulous sometimes
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
