He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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