I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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