To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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