Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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