Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
is wine microwaveable?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You're like the curious george of whores
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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