If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
