I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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