Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
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I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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