I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
