i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
