Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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