I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
