walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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