At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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