and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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