Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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