wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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