his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
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I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
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it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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