the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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