all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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