can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
