So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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