I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
