Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
