if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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