you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
