blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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