I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
