I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
