Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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